Broken but Beautiful

Broken but beautiful. If someone had asked me how I was doing almost a year ago right after Paige went home to Jesus, I can honestly say that my answer would have simply been that it all felt “broken.” But God has patiently and faithfully shown me how to reorient my heart and look at this journey as yes, broken, but also beautiful. He is showing me how to take captive lies buried in the grief that try to creep into my heart. He is showing me how to replace those lies with His unshakable truth. He is showing me that even though there is so much that is broken around me, He is still good, faithful and loving. And because of His perfect love, even in the brokenness there is beauty.

Paige was my first child. When we left the hospital without her, I didn’t go home and snuggle my other babes extra close, cherishing their smiles and beating hearts a little extra. My husband and I went home to a quiet house. Along with grieving my daughter’s absence from my arms, I was also grieving my first chance to hear a little voice calling me “momma”, to get to tell friends how rewarding motherhood was, to finally get to experience all the joys of being a mother that you dream about when you hear your child’s heart beat for the first time. I was a mom, but nowhere even close to being a mom in the traditional sense I had always imagined. I was a mom with no children at home. A mom who had carried life inside of her but didn’t have that life, physically, to care for anymore. And because my life didn’t look like it did for all the other moms around me, over and over again I allowed lies to creep in. Doubts about my worthiness, lies about who I was as a mom, questions about whether or not I was enough. I worried about what everyone else around me thought. I worried that they wouldn’t “see me” as a mom, although I knew deep down that I was, that it was just a different version of motherhood, and that it really didn’t matter what others thought anyway. My heart was fixed so firmly on the pain rather than on Jesus.

But then, God began working in my heart. He began replacing all the lies with His truth, one by one, so faithfully and patiently.

“Your eyes saw me unformed; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be” (Psalm 139:16). Our loving Father knew Paige before we ever even knew about her. He planned her, formed her and chose ME to carry her in my womb. When He breathed life into her, He knew her heart would only beat on earth for 29 weeks, and yet He gave me the honor of carrying her anyway. He chose me to love, protect and cherish a child made specifically for heaven. He chose ME to be her mom. I am a momma to a child of God, who is already back home with God. How beautiful is that reality? Yes, sad and broken here on earth, but whole and perfect on the other side of eternity. As I fix my eyes on Jesus rather than the pain, He is teaching me that my version of motherhood isn’t less than others, it’s just beautiful in its very own way. Though I thought I’d be a mom to Paige by wiping her tears and telling her everything will be ok when she’s sad, instead I get to be a mom to her by proudly singing God's praises for eternally removing her tears and pain. Though I thought I’d get to be a mom to Paige by teaching her how to love and serve the Lord, instead I get to be a mom to her by sharing her story so that others may come to know, love and serve the Lord along with her. Though my version of motherhood is a little bit broken right now, it is oh so beautiful too. The hope He offers through salvation allows the beauty of our story to be the final word, not the brokenness.

Although the pain is real, the aching is present, the trial is ongoing, I cling to God’s promise that it is all only for a little while. (1 Peter 1:6) And in the midst of the trials, I’m learning to fix my eyes on Jesus. I’m learning that when I allow myself to give the grief, the questions, the lies and pain to God, He can help me look at it through a different lens. He can show me the beauty and the hope in the midst of the mess. The brokenness, the cracks, the weaknesses allow me to NEED more of God. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) My grief is leading me closer to my savior, as long as I continue to seek Him as my strength.

When the lie that I am alone in all this pain creeps in, I replace it with the unshakable truth that God will never ask me to deal with any of the hurt on my own. “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” (Isaiah 43:2)

When I feel like this journey makes no sense, like there is no purpose behind all the pain, His truth reminds me that He is working it all for my good and His glory. “We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

When the enemy says give up, your story is already filled with too much sadness for there to be happiness up ahead, God’s truth speaks clearly that He has so much more in store for us than we can even imagine. “But as it is written: ‘What eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart, what God has prepared for those who love him...’” (1 Corinthians 2:9)

The Truth is that there is no fear in love, but that perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18). Time and time again God has shown me that He will cast away my fear, my worries and my doubts with His love and faithfulness. I am still learning and growing. I still forget and find myself focusing on the grief now and then. Even though my heart is still overcome with weariness at times, I am so thankful that God is taking the time to teach me how to reorient my heart, to focus on His love, His hope, His truth. Every day I make the choice to fix my eyes on Jesus. And when I choose to fully give my heart over to Him, even some of the most broken moments can boast of His glorious beauty.

Broken for now, but beautiful for eternity.