The Gift of You

My Sweet Paige Abigail,

I can’t believe you’ve already been snug in our Savior’s arms for a whole year already. Time sure does fly. But I thank God daily for the gift of you! Even though I wonder all the time about what your sweet smile would’ve looked like right now, a year later, whether or not you would’ve had your momma’s dimples, what your precious little voice would have sounded like and what your first words would’ve been, along with so many other daydreams, I choose to focus instead on all the blessings that you have brought to my life. When we named you Paige, knowing it meant “young servant,” I couldn’t wait to teach you how to be a servant of the Lord. Little did I know that you’d be the one teaching me how to be a better servant of His. Although we are on different sides of eternity for right now, you, my sweet daughter, have already helped God teach me so much in this first year of loving you from afar, and I am forever grateful for that.

Thank you for making me a mom! I praise God for creating you and choosing me to be your mom. From the moment we learned of your presence, and then got to hear your heart beating, you were my daughter and I was your momma. I got to fight for you, go on adventures with you, and learn about your strong-willed personality, all before actually even meeting you. You taught me how deep a mother’s heart loves, and that mothering can look very different than expected. I pray daily that I am honoring your life and glorifying God with this version of motherhood I am living.

“For we are his handiwork, created in Christ Jesus for the good works that God has prepared in advance, that we should live in them.” Ephesians 2:10

Thank you for teaching me to live boldly and intentionally. You taught me how precious life truly is, and that every beat of our hearts is a gift from God. So much work can be done with every breath we take, every breath God allows. God was so faithful in keeping your sweet heart beating for as long as He did, and I am now more aware of the gift of my own heartbeat and your daddy’s heartbeat as I lay my head on his chest. I have an even bigger passion for life because of you and look forward to every chance that I get to share God’s goodness with others while my heart is beating on this side.

“All who are called by my name I created for my glory; I formed them, made them.” Isaiah 43:7

Thank you for helping me find my voice. When I began speaking for you, when you couldn’t, I found a confidence, a strength, in this voice of mine that God has given me. I never knew it was there before. God has set my heart on fire to glorify Him and share His love with others, and through your story, my love, I have learned how to openly share Him with others. Not only has your life encouraged me to write more often and use my voice to encourage other mommas with babies in heaven, but your life has encouraged me to try new things. You have encouraged me to say “yes” to new opportunities and to not be afraid. You have taught me just how strong I can be. You have also strengthened our marriage, your daddy and me. We have leaned on each other and love each other more than ever because of your life. We made it through one of the hardest things when you went home to Jesus, and God was faithful through every moment of it. I know He will be faithful through any new challenge He sends our way.

“See, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? In the wilderness I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers.” Isaiah 43:19

Thank you for teaching me a new depth of the meaning of the word “hope.” I learned a new reality of brokenness here on earth after you left us, but that also made heaven more “real”, more of a desire than ever. Before losing you, heaven always seemed so far away. I yearned to get there so I could worship at the feet of Jesus for eternity, but I hate to admit that I never spent much time thinking about it too deeply on a daily basis. As soon as you went home ahead of us, though, to rest in the arms of our heavenly Father, heaven became a frequent thought. Every day when I think about you, I think about heaven now. I picture you in all God’s glory, whole, healed, happy and dancing in Jesus’ arms. I imagine over and over again what a joyous day it will be when I get to join you on that side of eternity. Because of your life, I live every day a little more focused on getting to heaven one day- to our heavenly Father and to YOU!

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead...Although you have not seen him you love him; even though you do not see him now yet believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of [your] faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:3;8-9

Thank you for leading me closer than ever to our faithful Father. I’ve always had a special relationship with the Lord, but after you went home, I needed Him more than ever. When God decided He needed you in heaven, I had so many doubts and questions for Him. I cried out to Him in despair so many times, felt angry and alone, wondered what His purpose was in all this pain. And guess what, my love...God was always there. He was so gentle with me, so faithful and so present. I have learned to trust Him completely and I have surrendered my heart and my life to Him, because I know it is the safest place for it to be. You are in the safest, most wonderful place you can be, in the eternal presence of our Lord. I am so thankful for that and so grateful for the intimate relationship I have with our Father now.

“In the morning let me hear of your mercy, for in you I trust. Show me the path I should walk, for I entrust my life to you.” Psalm 143:8

My Paige girl, I miss you every day. I think about you when I see a pink sunrise and sunset. I think about you when I see delicate, light pink roses, the same kind I gave to you at your precious service. I think about you when I walk in to the preschools I am teaching at now and when I sit down to write for Hope Mommies. God has led me into so many new roles, including Hope Mom, because of your life, and I’m just so thankful for the gift of you. I will never be the same, and that makes me smile. There’s so much good to still be done here on earth, and while we’re separated for now, I will keep sharing your story and shouting God’s praises. Happy first heavenly birthday, my love! We’re one year closer to celebrating together for eternity!

All my love,

Your Mommy