Covered in Hope

“Oh Lord, thank You for making me empty, so that You can fill me with more of You. I never thought I would or could thank You for this emptiness, but I can feel you filling me up right now, and I know You have only begun! Please use me and use this story You have crafted, Lord. I want to use it to glorify You, Lord, I’m just not sure how yet…”

These are the words that I scribbled in my prayer journal about a week ago. It has been a little over seven weeks since our Paige Abigail went home to Jesus right at the 29th week of our pregnancy. We miss her every single day. Some days, my journal is filled with entries like the one above, and many other days it is filled with tear-stained pages of pleas for strength and peace. My emotions change almost daily, but one thing that I have found that never wavers is my HOPE in the Lord and the promises He has given us. This has truly been my anchor. I have never understood the verse from Hebrews quite as well and as intimately as I do now. “We who have taken refuge might be strongly encouraged to hold fast to the hope that lies before us. This we have as an anchor of the soul, sure and firm, which reaches into the interior behind the veil…” (Hebrews 6:18-19)

I have been praying quite a bit lately for God to not only be with me and help me through this trial, but for Him to use me during this tough season of pain. Use me. Use my story. Use Paige’s life. Use us as Your hands and feet, Lord. I’ve been praying for an opportunity to shout His name and His goodness out loud, even in the midst of the tears. And I’ve been praying that I would be ready when this opportunity arises...that I wouldn’t be so distracted that I miss it. I think that I’ve been expecting this opportunity to be big and grand and perfect, a perfect opportunity to jump in and make a bold, pretty, put-together splash loaded with words of wisdom and encouragement. I’ve read so many books, stories, blog posts about other mommas who have walked down this road before me, and their words have been so beautifully woven together that I felt like I needed to wait for the day, for the moment, when I could perfectly weave my words and thoughts together as well. But, instead of waiting for the perfect moment when I have all the answers, which I realized may never actually come, I am just going to take a leap of faith and start here. Surely there’s never a wrong moment to praise God and sing of His faithfulness. I can pretty much guarantee that this post, and any others to follow, won’t be as “pretty” as I would like and they definitely won’t be perfect. I’ll probably look at these words a year from now and giggle at how little I really had figured out and how much I still had to learn at the time, but I feel God tapping ever so gently on my shoulder to share the love and hope that He is using to dry my tears and strengthen my faith, so I want to respond to His sweet nudge the best I can.

It’s ironic that I titled my blog “Covered in Joy” just a little over a year ago. I really did believe that you could find joy in every single day if you just looked hard enough. But I will unashamedly tell you, there have been many days over the last several months where joy was not one of the emotions I found, as hard as I looked for it. I have realized that the promise isn’t that we will have joy every single day, it is that joy will come again. “At dusk weeping comes for the night; but at dawn there is rejoicing.” (Psalm 30:5) I’m slowly starting to find that joy again, but I have learned to look for things other than simply joy. On the days when I woke up wishing it was all just a bad dream, the days where the tears would not stop and the ache seemed unbearable, I began looking to, clinging to really, the HOPE that I have in God. A hope in the promise that He is working all of this pain and heartache for His good. - “We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) A hope in the promise that the pain of this broken world won’t even compare to the glory that our Lord is going to reveal to us when we are reunited with Him and with the pieces of our heart that have already gone home to Him. - “I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us. For creation awaits with eager expectation the revelation of the children of God…” (Romans 8:18-19) A hope in the promise that God is GOOD, that I can trust in His words and in every loving decision that He makes for me, that He will hold me up on those days when I can’t stand on my own, and that He will provide in His perfect timing. - “The Lord is trustworthy in all his words, and loving in all his works. The Lord supports all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look hopefully to you; you give them their food in due season.” (Psalm 145:13-15) A hope in the promise that He knows what is best for me and that He will shower me with strength that only He can provide. - “He does not faint or grow weary, and his knowledge is beyond scrutiny. He gives power to the faint, abundant strength to the weak.” (Isaiah 40:28-29) A hope in the promise that the holy Spirit abides within me and will cover me with joy and peace during trials such as these. - “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13) Even on the days where I have not quite been able to find the joy, I have been able to cling to the hope. And through this hope I have found God’s faithfulness. His goodness. His blessings.

One of my go-to lifesongs right now is “Remember” by Lauren Daigle:

“In the darkest hour, when I cannot breathe,

Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me,

Everything is crashing down, everything I have known,

When I wonder if I’m all alone

I remember, I remember

You have always been faithful to me

I remember, I remember

Even when my own eyes could not see

You were there, always there with me.

I will lift my eyes, even in the pain,

Above all the lies, I know you can make a way.

I have seen giants fall,

I have seen mountains move,

I have seen waters part because of You.

I can’t stop thinking about Your goodness.”

Even though I prayed that God would move mountains and make a way to heal Paige while her heart was still beating here on earth, that’s not how He decided to show His faithfulness to me in this season. Instead, He showed His faithfulness through His peace and presence in the room when we learned that Paige had gone home to the arms of Jesus. He showed His faithfulness when He gave me the strength to just get out of bed and “do the day” in the very beginning after saying goodbye to our little girl. I saw His faithfulness when He led me straight into the arms of a group of women called Hope Mommies who are walking the same walk that I am. His faithfulness has been so evident in the countless prayer warriors, family and friends who have caught so many of my tears in their very own hands. And one of the closest places that I see His faithfulness daily is through the man that He chose to be Paige’s dad...a husband who has never once complained about tear-soaked shoulders and who has, hand-in-hand, been the voice that whispers “we will get through this together” more times than I can even count. This loving Father of ours continues to show His faithfulness EVERY SINGLE DAY that I choose to continue hoping in Him and His promises. So no, not every day has been covered in joy, but every single day has been covered in hope. And I can’t wait to see what else this HOPE will bring and how God will continue using all of this for His glory and our good.

Ultimately, this isn’t the story I would've ever chosen for myself. It’s not the story I ever thought I’d be able to withstand. Every day I ache to hold Paige in my arms here on this side of eternity. But this is the story that is leading me closer to our God of HOPE and closer to an eternity spent with Him and our daughter in the fullness of His glory. And for that, I am thankful! I will continue to cling to this hope, one day at a time. I pray that if you find yourself in a season of weeping as well, that you find comfort in the hope that our loving Father so freely, lovingly gives.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you who by the power of God are safeguarded through faith, to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time. In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Although you have not seen him you love him; even though you do not see him now yet believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:3-9)

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